And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
