Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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