My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
