I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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