At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
