i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
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