I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
