tell your sister to shave her snatch
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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