enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
