I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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