I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
