remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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