I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
