I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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