just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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