Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
