Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
