i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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