our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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