I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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