If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
