so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
