Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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