Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
