Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Randomize
