I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
