I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
