you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
