Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
why is half of my head shaved?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
