I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
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