Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
