I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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