i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
