How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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