I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
