Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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