every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
