What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
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