I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
