I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
