i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
