Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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