drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
