marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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