Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
