a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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