my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
