dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
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