it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Randomize
