Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
It's official drugs can't kill me
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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