My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Randomize
