i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
