In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
