Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
