You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Do you remember whose house we're in?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
