btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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