Screwed.edu
Someone shit on the floor
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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