my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
