i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
